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Stupid Scary Virus

October 31, 2009

I am tired of being scared! So sick of it. And I’m not talking about Hallowe’en!! People and their H1N1 death stories. Enough already. My son has the runs today and THAT is scaring me. I’ll be so happy when he has a solid poop! (sorry to gross you out). I can’t wait to go out for dinner tonight and hopefully get my mind off this.

My brain works faster than my hands.

October 30, 2009

I feel the lazies coming on. I don’t feel like doing anything… working out, drawing, sewing, painting. And this is the month where the most needs to get done. I volunteer my time to make crafts for the children’s-only store at the Faire, I want to have art to sell by early December, plus all the holiday presents to make. In my head it doesn’t seem like any particular item will take that long, but once I start doing it (particularly the hand -sewing) it takes longer than I thought it would.

I am an artist. I am an artist. I am an artist.

October 28, 2009

Apparently I have very little confidence in my own artistic abilities today. I had decided to enter the poster contest at the school and last night, as I was working on it, I thought, “I probably won’t win, anyway” and “I don’t care”. Now, I obviously do care or I wouldn’t be thinking about it so much. I decided to change my thoughts to “I probably will win” (but then I added on – “because there probably isn’t anyone else entering it”). Today I found out one of my friends is entering and immediately I start thinking again that I won’t win, that she is a better artist. Somehow I have it in my head that if I can prove to myself that I am better than someone else, then that proves that I am good. Somehow, no matter how much positive feedback I get, it is never enough, or it’s just not good enough.¬† The root of all this is … of course, my primary message from when I was little… “I’m just not good enough” topped off with a little “I am not a real artist”. The flip side of this is that I sometimes look at my work and love it, know it’s good, claim it, and want to share it, without needing to be better than anyone. However, today is not that place. Luckily I am not so far down in the hole like I would have been several years ago. I can recognize my thoughts for what they are, and attempt to change them.

My affirmations for today then…

I am an artist.

I am a great artist.

I enjoy looking at my work.

Art Estimates H1N1

October 23, 2009

I went dancing last night and brought some of my art for the little altar set up there. I had some great feedback and some people want to purchase them, which means I had to figure out how much I would ask. Today I timed how long it took to finish a piece, and it worked out to about 1/2 and hour, which means that (according the the formula someone mentioned.. take your materials cost +(how much per hour you should be paid)X time to create piece) and then multiply by 3) my estimate was pretty much bang on. What I find really interesting is how my mind works though. After all this great feedback, I still find that I am scared to try again, because it’ll never live up to what I just created. It won’t be as good. Man, I wish Louise Hay could implant her affirmation-self into my brain and stay put. I am trying to keep my thoughts positive… really, I am.

So anyway, today I woke up very tired, and took the girls for their checkup. The doc asked if we have given them their H1N1 shots, and POW… here I go again, getting all freaked out and scared. I don’t like the idea of flu shots, in general, but she just about had me convinced that I should get these for our whole family. I hate feeling this vulnerable and scared when it comes to the kids. I think that’s why I am feeling like I am coming down with something – the combo of being tired and totally freaking scared. While I was lying with my son, as he fell asleep, I tested how I would feel if we just went ahead and got the shots. I felt much more relaxed. I’ll do some more research first before we decide, but I think I know my answer.

I like (me) art.

October 21, 2009

I just uploaded some more drawings to Flickr and I asked my hubby, “Do you think anyone will like these?”. While I was on Flickr I could see people adding my drawings as favorites when I refreshed the page. This is great – this is what I was hoping for – that people would like them. Then there is that voice inside that says, “Yeah, but what do they know anyway?” Frickin’ shut up, voice!!! I like my work, I like my work, I like my work. Who cares if anyone else does? Ok, I do, but is that so bad? If nobody cared if anyone else liked their art, would they even bother to share it? Seriously, I need to reread that entry on compliments in Simple Abundance… now. And I need to realize that it’s okay to like my own work and admit it. ¬†Jeez.

Compliments and chiro

October 20, 2009

It’s funny how I usually try to come up with a title before I have even written the post. I think I will try the opposite approach, the same way I title my drawings. I usually use the first words that come into my head and try not to think about it too much.

I went through Stages 3-5 of SRI today (Network Chiropractic care for anyone interested) and had some tears (as usual), but I was unexpectedly in touch with my “good” side today. I kept visualizing myself drawing and painting and could really see that moving forward and see how much I have moved forward. This is pretty amazing for me. On the other hand, I noticed that I have not done very much drawing today… but I should stay focused on the positive here!

I have been putting my work on Flickr and I am somewhat addicted to checking my stats. Has anyone looked at my work? Does anyone label it a favorite? Any comments? Why aren’t there more? It’s like compliments are my drug but there are never enough (should I also mention here that I don’t take criticism all that well?). Today’s passage in Simple Abundance is about compliments… maybe I should reread that.

It’s a rare, quiet day…

October 17, 2009

I am enjoying some (very rare) quiet time. DH was supposed to take the girls for an overnight trip, but one is sick so he took the other and our son instead… which means I am getting a lot of stuff done in a QUIET house. I finished sewing my sweater together, read a chapter in “Nurture Shock” (great read, btw), looked up the cost of plane tickets, and painted some wood pieces that I am going to turn into magnets.

I joined the “100 Drawings” group on Flickr, and was doing keeping up with my 3 paintings/drawings a day (it’s a small sketchbook, so they are fairly manageable), but when I hit about 40 drawings, my back started to act up again. I realized I was putting too much pressure on myself. The point was to kick start my creative output, and it worked. I will still get to 100 drawings, but not in a month. That’s ok, because then I won’t need to upgrade my Flickr account (ha!). It’s a real struggle for me to figure out how to balance motherhood with creativity. I don’t want to do just one. But I also want to do both really well. I almost wrote perfectly, but I really don’t want to be perfect. I want to be great. Most creatively inclined moms that I know are creating once the kids go to bed. Seems reasonable, but sometimes I am too tired (or so I tell myself). Actually, that’s just an excuse. It’s quite easy to fit in even just 1/2 an hour of painting time before bed, and usually by then I am involved enough to not realize how much time has passed.

SO… my goal is to get some things created for the November buying rush – preferably smaller, more affordable things like my painted magnets. I have a friend who asked me to have some things ready that he could show in his office space (which is in a gallery environment). I am going to do this! It’s exciting!

In the meantime, since I have been adding things to do to my life… my 101 List hasn’t been looked at for a little while, so I will check and see if it needs updating. There are definitely some things on the list that won’t be going on next time. I am really finding it difficult to do the reading on the list, especially since I keep buying more books I want to read. As soon as I get a new book, the one I was previously reading goes down in the stack. And so on. I would like to work my way back to some of the books I only got half-way through.